


These Days

by levitatethis



Category: Lost
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-28
Updated: 2009-03-28
Packaged: 2017-10-06 19:20:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/56947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/levitatethis/pseuds/levitatethis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sayid tries to readjust to life back on the island.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Days

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aurilly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aurilly/gifts).



**I**

Days move like weeks, which in turn feel like years.

Each twenty-four hour cycle is like the one before. Special occasions are for a place where pre-assigned days, created by humans, can be circled on a piece of paper and designated worth. Those do not exist here, not like they did back home. Here it feels like superficial reminders of normalcy in the face of the completely strange.

But it is the only life Sayid now knows and he moves with it, one striking stumbling step at a time. He is shadow and light, but it is now a sentence he tries to carry with dignity. His past actions visit him as specters chanting the price he must pay. Forced into torture, his life turned in on itself, twisting into a pretzel, Sayid believes he deserves this island imprisonment.

Of course that doesn’t mean he has to like it.

 

**II**

Sayid enjoys going for long walks outside of the Dharma housing community.

At first it was part of the perimeter check to ensure the truce with the Others was not breached. Over time it became obvious that any reason given was actually a façade for him simply wanting time to himself.

Initially Sawyer was hesitant to let him wander off without a partner or fully loaded gun at his side. But Sayid proved resourceful, time and time again, and eventually both he and Sawyer could no longer be bothered to go through the motions. Instead a simple nod was exchanged between them in place of Sawyer saying, “Look ‘Crazy-Legs Rambo,’ there are no points for you getting caught and me having to pretend to care about getting you back,” and Sayid replying, “Your concern is overwhelming but I think we both know Juliet has a far better shot than you.”

Now they can actually share a small laugh together. Maybe special occasions do still exist.

 

**III**

Lately Kate has taken to joining him.

They can go for hours in relative silence, save for the crunch of the earth beneath their feet and the amplified sounds of the wild world around them. Sometimes Kate picks up a trail of an animal or an Other and tracks it with Sayid running defensive interference behind her. It is an unspoken game they wordlessly fall into to pass the time, to keep up skills from the old world, to feel something intense yet base, rooted to their cores.

They are adult children in an overgrown playground with sketchy rules and a deadly outcome.

Other times they talk in five or ten minute intervals before getting distracted by a strange and interesting noise. He tells her about growing up in Iraq, about Nadia and what it was like to at least taste happiness with her. He reads through her cryptic indifference about Sawyer and Juliet, and Jack, but more importantly he listens closely as she tells him about her parents and the life she tried to create with Aaron.

There is a lot she holds close to her chest but Sayid does not push hard. He understands all too well the need for a space of one’s own.

 

**IV**

“Did you think you’d have more time with her?” Kate asks between heavy breaths as she sits down on the side of the hill and wipes her left forearm across her forehead.

Sayid regards her for a moment as he cuts a slice of apple with his pocketknife and hands it to her. She smiles her appreciation and, accepting the snack, takes a bite and waits for his answer.

Sayid cuts a slice of apple for himself and raises it on the knife’s blade to his mouth, slipping it between his lips. After he swallows the piece he says, “I did not know if I’d see her again off of this island. I’m grateful for the time we had.”

Kate raises an eyebrow at his answer; her suspicion is obvious. Yet she says nothing, instead taking another apple slice from him.

Sayid sighs and says, “I hoped I’d see her again. But ‘I want’ does not always get.” He cuts another slice for himself.

“But you did,” Kate says and though her eyes are inquisitively crinkled at the edges and slightly closed beneath her wrinkled brow, her smile is hopeful and awed with half-parted lips turned up at the corners. “You got more—,”

She abruptly looks away but Sayid hears the unfinished sentiment: _You got more than the rest of us._

He cannot help but think, _and look how that turned out.   
_

 

**V**

Sayid stares at the lagoon from his perch on the low bank across from the high cliff face. He pictures the cool water pressing in on his body, lining the angles of his limbs and giving in to his gliding movements. He imagines the water washing him clean—of everything.

“You never ask me about…” Kate’s voice trails off and Sayid looks over to where she has hiked, closer to the water line ten feet to his right. Their eyes meet and she nods her head back in the direction where they came from.

“If you wanted to tell me about them you would,” he says.

“You don’t think I need to talk about my feelings?” she questions mockingly, shaking her head.

Sayid scoffs and looks back at the water before turning to her. “I’m hardly in any position to give you such advice.”

She watches him for a few seconds then reaches into her pocket and pulls out a hair elastic. As she sweeps her hair up into a ponytail and fastens it in place she turns towards the lagoon and says, “When I’m here I can forget everything else—the island, the trouble. I can…”

Sayid drops his bag and moves to the water. Crouching down, he dips his hand in and swirls it left and right. “Hit the reset button,” he says quietly.

“Swim?” she asks.

Sayid hesitates and glances her way. “Another time.”

 

**VI**

Sayid remembers.

Lying with Nadia in bed, he looks down at her while running his fingers up and down her right arm that is angled across her stomach.

“For so long I wanted to see you smile,” she says softly and lifts her head to place a light kiss at the bottom of his neck before settling back against he pillow.

He trails his fingers up across her shoulder and along her neck. “I had little to smile about before.”

Nadia wrinkles her brow. “Before?” she asks coyly.

Sayid kisses her lips lightly. As he pulls back he says, “Before we met for the second time and then again for the third.”

“And what exactly did I do for you?” Nadia pushes up and encourages Sayid to roll onto his back, smiling up at her.

“You gave me hope.”

 

**VII**

His head hurts.

Nights on the island, even in a proper bed, are long and lonely. Without the distraction of what had become accepted as daily life his mind is unleashed.

Staring up at the ceiling, after ten minutes of tossing and turning, Sayid rubs his eyes and head with the palms of both hands then rests them on his chest and sighs.

His house smells like a no mans land. There is nothing familiar here besides how generic it all is. He is homeless, spinning and grasping for some way to anchor himself to something worthwhile.

 

**VIII**

Sayid dreams.

“Everything you touch is tarnished,” Nadia laments angrily, her face somehow obscured even though they are standing in broad daylight outside of his Dharma house.

He watches her pour tea into two mismatched cups and she then holds one out to him. Tentatively he reaches for it, distracted by the fact that he still cannot see her face clearly, despite staring directly at her. Although he feels the cup in his hand, when he looks down it is not there and his hands are red with blood.

“I tried,” he says in confusion. “I tried to be good, but I still lost you. I couldn’t—they refuse to let me go.”

“Sayid,” she admonishes and sits down at a table that has suddenly appeared.

That is when he sees they are not alone. Ben sits across from Nadia, sipping the tea that was intended for Sayid. “What is he doing here?” Sayid demands as shock crashes in waves over his body.

“Well now that’s not a very polite way to treat your guest.” Ben quietly smirks.

“You are _not_ my guest.” Sayid seethes. “You’re a small man with delusions of grandeur and the cunning ability to manipulate for personal gain.”

“Careful.” Ben puts his cup down and stands up, his gaze never leaving Sayid’s. “You jump back and forth over that moral line with just as much ease.”

Frustrated, Sayid puts his back to Ben and begins to walk away then turns back. Ben is gone. So is the table.

Nadia is there. She looks different, physically unrecognizable, but Sayid knows it is his Nadia. The sun lights a bright hazy glow around her body. He squints and she raises the Polaroid camera in her hands.

“Smile,” she says with a comforting laugh.

 

**IX**

For a week Sayid avoids everyone. He slips off for walks when no one is around and makes excuses to be anti-social.

He peeks out from his living room window and sees Jin and Jack stop to talk in front of his house, glancing his way. He prays they do not decide to check on him he gets his wish when they walk away.

He is relieved and upset.

Then one morning he is just tired.

 

**X**

Sayid is thirty feet from his house when he hears familiar footsteps behind him. He knows it is Kate and though she does not announce herself to him she keeps a distance of a few feet behind.

As Sayid approaches the perimeter he spots Hurley in the distance. He stops and calls out, “Hurley, would you care to join us?”

He sees the surprise in Hurley’s wide eyes. “Uh—yeah—sure,” Hurley stammers after looking behind Sayid, presumably at Kate. As he moves towards them, Sayid continues on his way.

The walk is long and mostly quiet. He hears Kate and Hurley make small talk but they carefully avoid addressing him directly. He knows they are unsure but concerned about him. He appreciates their candor.

When the lagoon comes into view Hurley greets the sight with an emphatic, “Dude!”

Sayid moves to the side and stops, letting Hurley pass by him to get closer to the water. While Hurley kicks off his shoes and uses his toes to push his socks off so that he can stick his feet in the water, Sayid glances over at Kate who is hanging back. She briefly meets Sayid’s gaze and then walks a few feet the other way, to the water’s edge.

Sayid closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Opening them he heads towards her but stops halfway. She looks over her shoulder at him, expectantly.

Sayid takes a moment to glance over at Hurley then says to her, “How about a swim?”

“Maybe another time,” she replies seriously, but before Sayid can accept her answer and turn away she breaks into a big smile and tilts her head to the side. “I thought you’d never ask.”

 

**XI**

Soaking wet jeans are not the most comfortable feeling in the world but Sayid doesn’t mind. With his shoes back on he considers using his black t-shirt as a towel but decides against it and slips the shirt over his head.

Hurley begins their exit from the clearing and Sayid allows himself another look at the lagoon. It seems different. Not as huge or overwhelming as it usually is.

“Sayid?” he hears Kate calling him and turns. She is standing at the start of the path. A few wayward curls that have not been swept up into a ponytail frame her face and rest along her wet burnt orange tan-top. “You okay?”

_Not yet but give me time, _he thinks.

“Fine as can be,” Sayid says with a small smile and follows her out.   
 


End file.
